Love & Trust .... Betrayal & Forgiveness...

I spoke to a friend today dated April 12, 2011. He posed a question to me and it went like this.

Can you trust anyone that you suspect is cheating or have cheated on you? I paused for a moment to gather my thoughts, because I did not want to give my friend the wrong answer. I could hear how hurt he was over the phone.

His voice was cracking and I could tell that he was either crying or he had been crying...

We were silent for a moment ... I listened to him sniffle and make another attempt to talk but he began to break down again...

I have known this friend for over 40 years and I have never seen or heard him cry. Needless to say I was a little taken back. I guess we all have our breaking point.

I broke my silence to him and said, "I can hear your hurt, I understand your pain. Right now you are  dissappointed, hurting and slightly angry, but love never brings revenge on someone you truly love".

No matter how much it hurts, dissappoints and anger you. I told him that the very essence of the word love is forgiveness to the fullest. 

I said to him, "if you don't think you can forgive her, then examine whether or not you really truly loved her".

I ask him not to make any sudden decisions right now. One of the worst things one can do during times of hurt, dissappointment and anger is to make a decision based on emotions and not intellect.

The last thing I said to him was this, so Men - Women listen up...Don't you dare put your hands on her to bring bodily harm because you are angry and hurting. Because dating, being in love and even being married to someone does not give you the right to physically put your hands on them because you are in pain.

LOVE IS NOT OWNERSHIP....And a person is just as free to fall out of love, just as they are free to fall in love... Whether you like it or not...

At that time I stopped talking to my friend and started writing.


Moving on...

Listen, when you really love someone and you place them on a very high pesdestal, and then you find out that they betrayed you, then you confront them with what you know, and top it all off, you catch them in a very hurtful lie, it could be very devastating...

But then I thought, and ask myself this question, - did they deserve to be placed there? did they ask to be placed there? why are they placed there?

We place individuals on pedestals because we choose to, because we want to believe in them, we want to trust them with our hearts...we all do. And when they fall we want to blame them for falling off of the pedestal that we placed them on, even without there permission.

In all honestly, it's not fair to them, especially if it is not in their nature or DNA.

People fall in love and they can fall out of love. It's just the way love is. People find other interests, it's called life in the world of relationships.


We are all human and subject to make mistakes but what we refuse to acknowledge is {Willfull mistakes or ill-advised decisions} is not really a mistake. It's just reality. And we are all subject to willfully choosing to make what we call a mistake, which in all honestly is not a mistake, because it was willfully done. {I know I just repeated myself...it was intended}

I began to rethink certain events that happened in my life, but I was not going to give him my personal opinion.


I ask him... How deeply does he love her? He hesitated and said "deeply, but I just need to hear your answer".

So, I told him ... it all depends on how deep your love runs for her...I ask him did he think she was worthy of his love? and could he fully, completely forgive her? The rest was up to him. 

I went on to tell my friend that if, when he looks at her after the pain has subsided and the reconciliation process has begun and fresh in his mind is what she did to him, then it would not be fair to either of them and it would be wise for the two of them to discuss the continuation or their  relationship.

However time heals wounds, maybe not all but in time the soreness does subsides...

I wrote this in one of my previous blogs: 

To love someone is to give them the ability to totally destroy you...yet trusting them not to.

Yet sometimes you can deeply love someone that does not love you the same. That being said, sometimes your trust in that type of person can hurt you...but don't let them destroy you.

Now I want to pose a question to you ....
Can you ever -really- fully trust someone who have betrayed you after you have given them total trust?

Can you ever forget the pain that they brought upon you? Can you still see them as you once did, even after they betrayed your trust?

Trust is a very powerful word and it takes strong character to embrace it.


The word integrity means:  adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character; honesty, trustworthy.

Relationships starts out like fairy tales. The event and the relationship are filled with so many expectations. And sometimes the expectations hold firm and sometimes they fall through.

Lastly...this is what I honestly believe:

Before you can survive a betrayal and save your relationship, certain things must that take place.

1 - The first step is to heal yourself first. Once you deal with the raw emotions you are going through such as heartache, betrayal, anger, jealousy and feeling like you've been punch in the stomach and as well feeling like a fool. Once these emotions have been processed healing begins and a possible healing of your relationship.

Listen, you cannot save a relationship until you save yourself first. And if you are not careful you will lose:

1 - Self-respect
2 - Self-trust
3 - Self-confidence

You must overcome the flood of negative thoughts, haunting images, overwhelming and paralyzing emotions.

Remember this, Forgiveness is for you, not for the one who has wronged you. Forgiveness is definately a destination and not as action.

Five reasons to forgive:
1. Life is too short.
2. Harboring bitterness is not healthy.
3. Carrying the burden of hurt and anger becomes heavier and heavier.
4. Forgiving does not mean forgetting.
5. There is more power and freedom in letting go.

• In reference to number 4: {it really does not mean you forget, it means you no longer harbor the pain and you no longer hold the hurt you've endured against the person that caused it}.

     

• In reference to number 5: { Letting go means no longer letting the past control today’s unwanted feelings and behaviour}

I am not a Psychiatrist nor a Sociologist ... these are simply my opinions...

So, that being said listen with a sifter in your mind as always. Anything that is not consistent with the truth, then please throw it away and if it is, hold on to it....

If you don't think I gave the right advice, then please voice your opinion. I welcome it!!!


Oh, I forgot. If you have never done anything purposefully wrong for whatever the reason, then please raise your hand!!!



Happy reading...